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The subject should be the slogan for Friendly's, but fuck me if i know what it is. [Sep. 22nd, 2004|07:57 pm]
So this really amused me. I was in Friendly's today talking to a friend. Friendly's being a horrible place for any grown people to even attempt to have a conversation due to the disproportionately high concentration of children with severe sugar rushes. Anyway, i was talking to this friend about the current issue at hand, as well as the ongoing debate about what sort of bong to buy, his rush to get weed for the night, and my only 2 goals concerning sex i have for my life (i.e. sex with one girl of every race, and sex with a prostitute, a nice one, not a streetwalker.) This became funny to me when i really sat to think about the sad people sitting around us, and the fact that all this conversation was being conducted in a family restaurant. Now i know i'm not the first person to think this, and i wasn't going out of my way to make sure that everyone in earshot could hear us, but to see the soccer mom with her obnoxious child, and the sad married couple out to reclaim the sense of youth they might have had before he went away to college, while i talk about my desire to go out and find a black prostitute stripper made me feel alot better about my life for some reason.
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this will only make sense to one of you [Sep. 21st, 2004|04:18 am]
I feel like something should be said about things. But at the same time i doubt if it will be as cathartic as i would like. Of course i hate myself for it, and blame myself, I always will. And right now, forgiveness feels worse than just being angry. But i know where i want this to end, so, my decision was made for me apparently. I just hope that forgiveness is the right thing to do. I've always been so furious at other people for doing what i have in this situation, and hate myself a little for not reacting the way i think others in this immediate situation have. My memory is so bad, yet i can't seem to even begin to forget this.
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tragically curt [Sep. 16th, 2004|05:50 am]
Meds gone, yay.
Insomnia is causing migraines.
Job being put off for 3rd week in a row.
None of my clothes fit.
What was the method of conveyance for flatbread in antiquity, since they lacked the bread loaf.
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So... [Sep. 12th, 2004|05:34 pm]
-I've been dealing with the overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness and boredom and existential disillusionment by becoming a complete asshole apparently. It's hard to tell, on account of me just being a dick in general, so she noticed this way before i did. I hate that just because i talk to her most, she has to deal with the brunt of this, she doesn't deserve it.

-I don't know exactly why it is i fall even more in love with her everytime we fight, especially if I'm wrong for some reason. Somehow hearing her sound hopeless makes me hopeful. I still want to make everything into some cheesy movie-ending moment, where everything works and everything comes together. But i get the feeling she's too pessimistic to hope for that anymore. I wish there was anything i could do to just make her happy, or happier, or even less miserable to the point she seemed more familiar to me at least. I wish i had a massive group of people to introduce her to, or at least places to go, or anything to offer for the slightest amusement.

-The more time goes on here, the more i know that NY is just not for me. Even within the expanse of long island, i already feel stifled. The proximity of NYC is hardly comforting or useful, so i've already lost hope of being content here. And i really don't want to have to spend my entire time here self medicating, which is the way things have gone as long as i've been back.
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New york, new york, blah blah blah [Aug. 24th, 2004|12:41 pm]
-The job search is clearly going to suck, this suprises me for some reason. Kim is trying to convince me it's a good idea to drive a short bus, but i don't think i could work around old people or "special" people for any extended period of time. Funny that now that i live here again, it's actually much easier to deal with for some reason. The boredom is just starting to rankle, so i've got some time left before i start going crazy just being here.

-You'll have to excuse the random psychoticness of the last few posts, i keep getting pressured to update, and that's just what seems to come out when i don't actually have anything of interest to say. I've just been in a state of quiet dullness since the move, which is actually suprisingly pleasant; it just doesn't make for witty journal entries.

-Almost off my meds for good now, which is nice since the whole weight thing is really starting to become too much. I mean, gaining over 30lbs in like 3 or 4 months just isn't supposed to happen, and it certainly is not a good thing to happen to a recovering anorexic. I can't wait until i can drink like me again, especially since the meds cutting my tolerance in half lead to more than a few disturbingly insane episodes.
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Well i wasn't going to update, but... [Aug. 18th, 2004|07:30 am]
nemesis
Nemesis


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

-This was the first one of these "which xxx are you" that i really liked my answer to. Most surprising since i was expecting a very small, tired list from the greek pantheon.
-I also found this a really interesting response, given my overwhelming belief in the value of vengeance. Many people feel the desire for vengeance is a sign of weakness, or that you still have positive feelings you are unable to deal with. I, on the other hand, see it as something sublimely cathartic, and also, as the only thing that is truly pure. The scene i always think to describe this to people is in Braveheart, after they raid the first little fort, where his wife was killed. The emotion as they pin the magistrate to the pole and slit his throat is absolutely pure. Nothing in life is really absolute anymore, and i feel as a people we spend all our time desperately trying to find something, anything to give us that sense of absoluteness; something that is undeniable, unshakable.

-So i thought that since i missed 3 days of taking my meds over the move that i might as well just stop. Unfortunately the side effects had been piling up without me really noticing, so late last night the digestive issues, in tandem with the delirium and complete inability to comprehend the english language forced me to resume taking the meds. At least i switched to a lower dose.
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To all the ones l left behind... [Aug. 12th, 2004|02:56 am]
-Tonight was my last proper night of official drinking with a friend from pittsburgh; of course i'm remorsefull, although i wonder how much impact i'll have left. Once upon a time i heard the quote, " The path of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." This profoundly changed me, and i always attempted to influence everyone around me to follow in kind. Despite my efforts, i feel that as soon as i am gone everyone will revert to their trite, swill drinking ways. Thinking of this makes me feel that my time here has been wasted; If i could not convince people of the pure, undeniable value of excess, what good have i served?

-Everyone should love nicole blackman. She makes me wish i could have her babies. If you haven't heard her, follow my currently listening to thing. There are so few people who can accomplish something so essential. She reaches into something that is so beyond pure it is praeturnatural.
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So now you're in the middle of someone terrible... [Aug. 6th, 2004|12:18 am]
Don't feel obligated to read all of this.

There's too many things right now. The ridiculousness i am surrounded by, something that is so accepted, has driven me...somewhere.

-There is nothing worse than lost time, and i don't mean like, blacking out, or wasted youth, or anything so trite. This is real lost time, where you wake up in some epiphany, and wonder what the hell just happened for the last few weeks/months. This happens and you don't know who you are, no one does, nobody you know even knows how to react around you; no one can explain where you've been, or who you've been, you were just you, but not. And for all you know you've been gone entirely, you barely remember anything, and you wonder just exactly who has been in control this whole time. All i know is that it sure as hell wasn't me.
I wonder how right i am on the external causes of this, and how much of that is just rationalization. Of course i don't want to take responsibility for this, because, really , i wasn't here, i have no idea how things got here. To say that i have been really misses the fundamental core of just how dissociated i've been.
To wake up and realize that everything that you used to consider essential to your being has been not so slowly decaying, and that you, or whoever "you" was for however long this has been going on, have just sat wallowing in your own putrescence, is just too much. I haven't been me in over a year, and the elements that squeak through just make whatever the hell i am now seem all the more pathetic. I've been on a fast track to nothing, speedily trekking into oblivion, and to feebleminded to do anything about it.
-What the hell happened to my body? I used to be skinny, and i find myself now fatter by the day. I've gained 30lbs in the last few months, and now i'm repulsed to look at myself. Not to say i've ever really been in good shape, but i'm so much worse now than before i started going to physical therapy; much like my mental state has decayed considerably since i started taking meds. Tragically, i see that i have already surrendered myself to my injuries; i no longer expect to see improvement, so i've have chosen to accept my fate. So, in attempting to surrender myself to the aid and guidance of others i have reached previously inconceivable levels of decay. The solutions seem simple.
-Ween myself off meds a.s.a.p.
-exercise myself into oblivion.
-just.stop.

-I've languished too long in this inbetween period, constantly expecting some sort of divine intervention or deliverance. It's not coming, as special as i like to think i am, i'm really not. I just need to fucking suck it up, accept the fact that nobody cares how much worse things are for me, and fix it myself. This way i can act self-righteous when some other 20something complains about life, completing the circle and becoming everything i hate.
-I've always felt entitled to something more; like i shouldn't have to slave away the way the rest of them do. I'm sick of people with overpaid IT jobs attempting to invalidate my existence with their opulence. I shouldn't have to hide behind tyler durden to point out how fucking insane that is. I hoped for something profound to come from all i've endured this year, something significant, but nothing so disillusioning. Nothing has really changed, i haven't grown, i've shrunk inside myself. I'm not a better person now, i'm not stronger, or wiser, or freer. I'm everything i was before, just as naive and self-important; Only now i'm emotionally crippled, a bitter shadow of who i was. I used to be so strong, really, i was.
-So, the end. I suck now, and i'm hiding behind the move as an attempt to prolong my decay as absolutely long as possible. But i will do what i can to fix it, if i can at all.

...and you're carrying a "tiny" crucible.
Bonus points if you finished, and guessed the quote.
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I actually edited hyperbole on this one, ha! [Jul. 30th, 2004|12:25 am]
[music |L.A. girl - Distillers]

-Personally, i don't think this journal is all that sexually overloaded, aside from the recent entries and the whole double-edged sword thing when i started taking antidepressants.
That being said...

-Ok, so i've always had this clear bitch fetish, which may have roots so Oedipal i'd rather not discuss them, but i always thought it was incredibly unusual. I've met few others who shared this, aside from every other man in my family, but now there's some post in SG about it, and i feel good that i'm not as much of a deviant as i feared. This leads me to wonder about the boredom fetish thing. There is just something about a girl that is sitting somewhere that just looks so filled with sense of boredom and superiority that is just intoxicating. I have a picture of Kim like this, but won't post due to her squeamishness about high school pictures. I have no idea exactly why this exists, maybe aside from the fact that i hit on these girls alot, and tend to succeed; positive reinforcement perhaps?

-I've actually been very happy lately, aside from the crippling insomnia and antisociality. I'm looking forward to leaving, as it just seems like there is no point in attempting to fix or salvage things as they are now; i'm just going to have to get home and start over, again. But the proximity of this move is what gives me hope now, i don't have to worry about languishing in procrastination much longer, i just need some sort of catalyst, a symbol/sign for change and demarcation of the new me, from the old me.

-Also, i have come to hate woody allen more than ever lately. I've tried watching one of his movies for the 1000th time and just don't get it. I mean, i know there are all sorts of people that swear by the glory of his work, but i just find all of it to be thoroughly humorless and self-indulgent. I defy you to deny me.
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On the ongoing matter of sociopathy [Jul. 22nd, 2004|04:53 pm]
-So the question was asked recently about the sexual prowess of sociopaths. While i'm sure there is still a normal variation, my guess would be that they are more likely very good at it; the level of self-confidence always being a good predictor of ability. But, also taking this arrogance into account, one can see how sociopaths become serial killers. In the male context especially, where the capacity to sexually please a woman is so inextricably tied to one's sense of self worth. All it could take would be one woman's "oh, is that it?" to crush his megalomaniacal self indulgence, so of course he would have to kill her. But she'd still be there in his mind, cackling at him in that profoundly emasculating way all women have mastered by birth, so he'd just have to go woman to woman, killing everyone that looked like the first one, in a vain attempt to destroy her essence.
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